So next time you all see me I want to know if you can tell I had Botox. I was very nervous about it. Especially, the results. I am anxious to see if it will make me tighter and less saggy. I have high hopes for this vial of medicine. I am fairly sure you won't be able to tell though. This botox was shot into my bladder. I did ask the doctor if there was any left after he had given my bladder a good tightening could he put it in my face? I'm not sure if he thought it was funny or that I was serious. But, I was. Seriously though, who wants botox when no one can see the results? It's not like I can walk around the mall and people will stare and tell me how "young my bladder looks these days."
I bet I can write a sentence that you have never said but I have. If any of you have said this sentence before please call me. I'd actually like to take you to dinner because we are destined to be the very best of friends. Have any of you said, "I can't right now I am icing my urethra"? Because I have. Jealous? I know, most people are.
As I am sure you have figured out, I am going to talk to about having my bladder botoxed. If you want hear about it, keep reading. If you don't, this is your warning to the close the window.
The morning started like any other; alarm goes off, wake kids and husband, be a short order cook, take a shower, take a Valium, hop in Mom's car and head to your probing. Isn't that your typical morning also?
I should probably mention that I didn't sleep much because I was surfing the internet for information on this procedure. Out of probably 50 patient reviews, 25 gave it a 1 for extremely dissatisfied and 25 gave it a 10 for extremely satisfied. Everyone said it was painful, but I blew it off. I decided those were probably men. Poor Todd can't even stand/sit up straight when I mention this procedure. I figured I had twins, how bad could it really be?
I was already taking antibiotics to prevent any possible infections and at precisely 8:00 am (1/2 hour before my procedure), I downed a 5mg Valium. That was a very well spent $0.34. Mom sat with me while the clock ticked all the way to 9:30 am, one full hour after my procedure was scheduled. Luckily, my mom is a genius and a retired physician, so when she told me that my Valium was still working, I believed her. I was actually very calm all morning (see, well spent $0.34). Sometime between 9:30-10am they call my name. Odd side note: for years and years I couldn't wait to be "Julie Aldridge." I have to admit though as much as I love Todd and sharing his name, I'm pretty sick of hearing nurses yell it in the waiting rooms.
So back to 9:30-10 am, the nurse called me back, took my blood pressure and all the normal vitals, made some small talk, and then escorted me to the last room on the right--The Procedure Room (insert "evil sound" which I can't figure out how to spell). As soon as we walked in I could see it was all prepped and ready (spoken like a Grey's fan.) Two things I have learned as a woman: 1) The paper cover is not warm, and 2) when you see stirrups go ahead and tell yourself you are in trouble. The nurse gave me the standard "waste down" directions and said she'd be back to numb me up. I undressed and covered myself with the amazing paper blanket. Do you think that is your standard poly/cotton blend? Not too long after that she was back to numb me up. I think I needed some numbing for the numbing. She finished and said they would give me a few minutes to let that kick in and she would be back with the doctor.
OK, here is the truly messed up part. That Urology office needs a visit from Chip and Joanna and soon! I am guessing you have a visual from the paper blanket and stirrups talk. Now, picture the stirrup end of the table facing the door!?!? Who in the hell designed this room? So I'm on the table staring at the ceiling and hear the knock. In walks my doctor, "Good morning Julie, how are you?" I wanted to say, "well you tell me?" Obviously by now he knew. He had been in the room for almost 30 seconds by now, lets lay it all out on the table. Literally. It's not difficult to fix this. One simple solution, turn the table!! Any "Fixer Upper" fan knows that Joanna could shiplap those walls to help preserve a little bit of my dignity.
He explained the procedure and got to work. He did tell me how cool it was that they sent a 200ml vial because usually it's in a 100ml vials. This way I would only have to get about 1/2 the shots, somewhere around 15(I'm not 100% sure on that number, I was in shock.) He picked up the tool that was as long as a yard stick and got to work. He was very kind and offered several words of encouragement about how well I was doing. I was calling "BS" to his sentiments since I was about to come off the table. I was also praying that my stirrups were locked because I figured one quick kick and I was going to injure us both.
One odd thing, as he was working, he was talking to me. He brought up foods and cooking and I had to wonder why. What about what he was doing triggered a discussion of food? What are you looking at down there, doc?
As promised he finished in less than 10 minutes and I was on my merry way. I will spare you the details. But I will tell you that was the easiest part of my day. Mom drove me and home and I headed in to lie down. However, I was already miserable! I was on fire and dreading using the bathroom. I just kept telling myself I got this! The great news is that I don't have to repeat this torture for another 6 months. The greater news is that I have a very good friend who also goes through this humiliating experience and she has described it as "life changing." My hopes are still high. Right now I am focusing on the now and praying my bladder is centerfold ready in 7-10 days!!
