Well Crap, It Sucks

"I'm sorry ma'am we only serve Pepsi products."  "Mom, we are out of toilet paper."  "Sorry but your license is expired."  "It's your turn to chaperone the field trip."  All of those are sentences you don't want to hear.  But, I have to tell you I have recently heard the worst sentence of all, "I think it is time you learn how to cath yourself."

Yep, that's right, I'm in my mid 40's and I can't pee.  I know what you all are thinking, "That Todd Aldridge is one lucky man!"  That was my first thought except it sounded a little different in my head.  My head was saying, "Really?  Poor Todd and my kids." Then I saw my mom, she already accuses me of spending too much time in the bathroom.  I even saw my dads face, my poor dad, the man who once knocked down a row of tampons trying to get one box for me.  Now I have to tell him to ignore the handheld mirror and the measuring cup in the bathroom on vacation.  Of course after that the tears began to flow and they have been flowing off and on for about 2 weeks now.

I am very open with my family so of course I told them slowly but surely and their response was not like my head said it would be.  My favorite response came from my youngest daughter (she's 9).  I had to explain why the bathroom door would be locked and I really needed her not to stick her fingers under the door trying to get my attention.  She had a super inquisitive look on her face and very seriously asked, "Do Catholic people use it?  We are Baptist."  It was the exact response I needed.  I worry about how my NMO affects or will affect my kids everyday.  She was unaffected and unwilling to switch churches.

Last time I told you I've been more depressed lately, this is why.  Let's be honest, NO ONE WANTS TO CATH THEMSELVES, NO ONE!  I can only imagine what my face looked like when the doctor told me because he paused looked at me and said, "you can do it, it's not hard."  Ummm, what?  I stopped midstream of tears and gave him my best RBF and said, "oh, do you do it?"  He just patted me on the back and smiled.

This, this right here is how NMO destroys more than just your body.  This stupid disease can easily humiliate you if you let it.  Because not only was I hearing my "neurogenic bladder" was getting worse but I was hearing it with a paper blanket covering my lap.  Don't worry I didn't take a selfie to post on facebook.  I did however shrink down inside myself.  I felt like a little girl that was hiding in the corner just trying not to be seen.  I was so ashamed.  I was so scared.  Then I became so mad.  I knew I had to get it under control before I saw my family, before I talked to my husband (he won't admit it but he gets just as upset as I do.)  I knew I had to call two people, my rock and my bff- my mom and my person through all of this since day 1- my Brooke.

I texted Todd to let him know I was done at the doctor and would call him soon and I called my mom.  My mom is by far the smartest person I know.  She is a recently retired physician, she can always explain how every test and treatment benefits me and why I may or may not need it.  I just knew she would say something to fix this, she would have some amazing words of wisdom to make it all better.  I told her with my best sniffling voice and waited for her brilliant response.  She took a deep breath and said, "Well crap." Are you kidding me mom?  That was her brilliant response?  However, she listened and she let me cry and unload and get it all out.  She really is my best friend and in that moment she played that role perfectly.  But when I hung up with mom I knew it was time to call another one of my besties, my "in case of emergency" person, my dose of reality person, just in general, my person (see, I know Greys), my Brooke.

I knew the call would be quick and to the point because she was at work.  Her job is my dose of reality.  She is pediatric oncology nurse practitioner.  I told her what was going on and she too took a deep breath and said, "It sucks but you can do it and you have to do it." Put those two responses together and you've got, "Well crap, it sucks," they should write Hallmark cards.  I knew with Brooke the pep talk text would follow and not long after we hung up it did.  It worked.  I gathered myself and headed home.

That evening Todd and I had a heart to heart.  He let me cry and he comforted me and I comforted him.  We refuse to let NMO break us.  I'm not a lovey dove, touchy feely kind of girl but I will tell you he is by far my soul mate and my rock.  As always he pledged to stand beside me and to look for the next great thing that would fix this, fix me.  This is the point where he encouraged my to write because he could definitely see the depression setting in.

I went to one more place for help.  I have an amazing friend from years ago.  She has MS and she told me that this would be life changing and I would be glad I did it.  She has been such a blessing to me throughout this crappy diagnosis.  I am so thankful to have her in my corner.

So.... I did it, I do it and while I still hate, it helps.  So I guess I am stronger than I thought because NMO definitely tried to break me this time.  I'll be honest it almost won.  But almost isn't a win.  I win this time.  Thanks to my amazing support system (believe me there are more).  I looked that evil NMO monster in the eye and told it to SUCK IT!!!