This is real life...

"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."  That is complete BS!  Who even said that anyway?  Right now I feel like life is throwing lemons at my face and I want to take my tennis racket and knock the juice out of them.  Who decided the best idea is to take the bad and spin it for the good?  Why can't I just be angry for a little while?  Why can't I get it all out?  You know what?  I can.  And, I will.  People tell me all the time I have the best attitude, nope, not today.

So here is my plan (when you write it down you have to do it, right?)
     1.)  I will write my plan ✔.  And, as I write my plan it will be fast and messy.  Maybe, I will press so hard I will break the pencil too.  Maybe, it will missing commas and words, why should I care, I'm not getting a grade?  Although today I feel life has given me a grade.  Life has graded me a "T" for tired, a big fat "T".  I am so tired.  I am tired of calling my doctors and saying, "so sorry to bother you but..." (although they don't seem to mind.) I am tired of smiling and telling people, "I'm great" when all I want to do is lay down.  I am tired of feeling guilty because I don't feel well and even though I am a stay at home I can't work the book fair because kids with simple viruses seem likely to cause me to have pneumonia.  But what I am most tired of is the unknown.  It seems like everyday something new hurts or I develop a weird twitch or some other stupid thing.

     2.)  I am going to scream and then probably cry.  No one is home right now.  Our kids are at school and my husband is out busting his butt working for us because 4 kids are expensive.  Unfortunately, I am not much help in that area either.  They eat a ton, and for some reason they have feet that grow every 10 minutes.  Let me tell you this folks those shoes are like car payments now too!  Thank the good Lord Todd never flinches about taking care of them when it comes to this stuff either.  Even though I am super angry today I am still very thankful especially for my family.

Today, I am going to tighten every muscle in body (even the ones that hurt) and I am going to scream as loud as I can, "I hate you NMO!"  Then, I am going to cry and get it out, every last bit of it.  One of my bffs, Phoebe told me "crying was therapeutic and being tough all the time wasn't." She was correct.  No worries though because autoimmune illnesses seem to pile up on top of each other and my body also gifted me with Sjogren's syndrome so I won't have a ton of tears rolling out.

     3.)  I am keeping my PJ's on ALL day, well until about 2:50 when I leave to go get the kids.  I am also going to take a nap.  I never take naps because I feel guilty about it.  I feel guilty because my contribution to the family is not financial.  I feel guilty because usually our house seems like a mess and since I stay home I should keep it neat and tidy (Leave it to Beaver style).  I feel guilty because even though I do laundry all the time we still have 84648916 loads to do.  Seriously, how do they dirty so many clothes?

Today, I am exhausted, obviously angry and just don't want to deal with it.  Today, I am completely over it!  I quit!  My body obviously went on strike a long time ago so today my attitude is joining it!
So, until 2:50 when I leave to get my kids I guess NMO wins.  It beat me, I hate it.  But when I get my kids I'll take my life back and start working on beating it in extra rounds, extra innings, overtime, the 3rd set or whatever sports analogy works for you.  Feel free to insert it.

This is real life people.  I do not always have a great attitude like I have been told.  Today I am whiny and I am not apologizing for it.  Today my glass is half empty.  I don't really feel well (yep, I said it.)  I have fever again for absolutely no reason.  I am 44 years old and I have to cath myself, my head pretty much always hurts, my eyes are usually so dry I have to physically open them with my fingers in the morning.  It is dumb!  No one should have to deal with this stuff.  I worry every day my kids will get one of these stupid diseases.

Every one needs a vice.  I don't smoke, I don't drink (I even gave up Diet Coke because my bladder is a loser!)  Today my vice is anger and self pity!

For now NMO wins but at 2:50 it better watch out because I am going to be well rested and refreshed.  I am going to take those stupid lemons and make them into the sweetest glass of lemonade it's ever had.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot!  I am also going to eat a giant bowl of Neapolitan Ice Cream and I am not going to feel one bit guilty about it!