Things I have learned in the quarantine

The things I have learned from the quarantine



What do Scrabble, Connect 4, coloring and puzzles have in common?  If you said, “things that the quarantine has killed” you would be correct.  For people who are competitive like me, Monica Gellar competitive, it is even worse.  I must win!  I will intimidate my children to never challenge a Scrabble word (I kick their tails anyway).  I scare them during Taboo if they aren’t paying attention.  When one of the kids say, “whose picture is colored the prettiest?”  I answer, “me”.   I do not like to lose; I am terrible at it too.  Truly.  Terribly.   

I have learned a couple other things during this quarantine.  One new thing I have learned is that my children would starve to death before they would eat something they do not like.  Well, one of them anyway.  When Jack was little people would tell me to stop feeding him so much chicken, not sure why they told me that because I didn’t ask.   He ate a lot of it, a ton.  By the ripe old age of 4, he was a food critic solely making a living off reviewing chicken nuggets.  I would tell people he would starve if I didn’t feed them to him even when they insisted he wouldn’t.  Again, I didn’t ask.  He could completely wait me out on the subject of eating chicken nuggets.   He was probably the only 4-year-old with a cholesterol problem. 

This week we discovered our cupboards were bare.  You all have read how the grocery store only plays into the hands of my Corona craziness.  Jack had a horrible headache, and I soon discovered he had not eaten.  We had what some would call, “A childs dream menu”.  The menu consisted of chocolate milk, ice cream, hot dogs and leftover spaghetti.  Jack likes exactly zero of those food items.  Especially if he has to fix it himself.  So, yes folks, hot dogs and chocolate milk are not the same as Dino nuggets and yellow Gatorade.  After spending approximately 1 million dollars at the grocery, his appetite was sufficiently satisfied, and he was back in business.  Thank goodness too, because his Call of Duty buddies were sure to be worried and sending KFC cards any day now.

Secondly, I have learned there is nowhere I can go to be alone in my house.  Last week, I was toying with the idea of going out on the back deck and screaming, “Serenity now”!  I love my children, but there are days when I swear if I hear, “mom, can you watch this?” or see one more tic toc hand motion I will lose my mind.  I have told Todd on more than one occasion that I am, “walking into the woods, do not come look for me”.  It is honestly more like a promise and not a threat. 

I locked myself in the bathroom the other day and sat in the floor just to be alone.  Since I do bladder washes and have trouble going to the bathroom consistently, spending a lot of time in there was not odd.  But, one of my sweet little blessings came and sat outside the door and decided that they could, “just wait on me”.  After 10 minutes, I realized I was going to lose and had been bested by a 10-year-old.

Take note of this now, because one day I will get even.  When they want to be alone, and eventually they will, I am going to their house and I will follow them everywhere they go.  If by some chance I enter the great beyond before I get the chance, I vow at this very moment to haunt them from the grave. 

Not only have I learned that my children are in control of their food intake and that my house is too small, but I have also come to realize school has changed a lot since I was a student.  Either that, or I am getting dumber with each passing year.  No one “carries the 1” anymore.  As a matter of fact, go have some fun with a child and give them a long math problem.  Show them how you carry a number and watch the confusion overcome them. 

I am not homeschooling my children during this quarantine, because I do not understand how they do things.  I refuse to tell them that though.  When they ask me how to do something related I just turn it on them.  I get on my mommy high horse, which is really a mommy jack ass, and tell them they need to be more independent and figure it out.  I decided to stop helping after I got a 75% on a language arts paper and failed a 5^th grade math test all in the same day.  The worst part was they originally had the correct answers, but when I checked their work I insisted they change it. 

The final lesson I have learned is that it does not matter what time of day it is there is always a home improvement show on TV.  One of the many issues I have related to NMO is that I stay anxious about what is around the next corner.  NMO is completely unpredictable.  The fact that I try to predict the unpredictable keeps me up at night.  My spasms and wiggles will occasionally wake Todd, so before I wake him I head downstairs with my electric blanket and become one with my recliner and watch the home improvement shows that are always on TV.  I am fairly certain that I am one of very few people who has no desire to flip houses.  It amazes me how every family comes stocked with a contractor and electrician these days.  It’s not only my concern that I don’t wake Todd that sends me to my recliner, if he gets one glance of a home improvement show something in our house gets renovated.   Right now, he wants to take out the bathtub and extend the shower.  This would be great, but I would rather see a contractor headed my way than Todd with a sledgehammer.   Let me paint this a little better, this weekend we watched a bathroom get remodeled.  As I type, he is in the bathroom with his tools “fixing the toilet”.  This will be a bright point to using catheters tonight. 

Unfortunately, my immunocompromised status is going to keep us quarantined for a little while longer than others.  While it may not be fun, I can assure you it will be entertaining.